I used to think I was related to raccoons.
In middle school I created a fake email account of a girl who had secret powers and emailed the guy I liked this ominous warning to get away from his girlfriend and date me or something bad was going to happen. He actually emailed back asking to teach him my ways.
The first time I used mouthwash, I swallowed the whole cup because I thought that’s that I was supposed to do. My friend looked at me like I was crazy and told me it was poisonous. I told her my last wish was to die watching I Love Lucy, so that’s what we did.
I went camping with my church and me and my friends went to go pee, but the outhouses were full so we split up to go all natural. I picked the top of a hill and settled into my squat when one of my friends jumped out behind me and scared the day out of me. I fell over (while I was peeing, of course) and rolled down the hill with my pants down.
I was talking to a hot nurse about my personal struggle of wanting to be a caring young mother teresa, but also a badass b*tch. I got really passionate about the latter, and in the middle of my speech, I accidentally farted really loudly. Ironic.
One of my childhood dreams was to become a country singer.
A few years ago I would have died before I let any of those stories slip. I was so uptight about that stuff. I never wanted to look dumb or let anyone know that I did stupid things. If anyone ever heard my voice crack or saw me with food in my teeth I would beat myself up for being such an idiot for days. I was so afraid of what other people would think. It was bad. I tried to put up this whole “I’m a homosuperior, you filthy homosapien” thing which was just gross and I regret everything there. I was rereading some journals I wrote in middle school and I realized that I wasted so much effort with trying to not look stupid when clearly I was a mess and anyone could have seen that. So when did I drop that attitude?
My freshman year. Yiiiiikes. There was this guy and stuff happened between me and him that he didn’t like so he posted this picture of me on instagram that was…..unpleasant. Actually it was horrible. It was totally edited to the point where I was unrecognizable. It was just so bad. So. Bad. I wanted to die after I saw it. I decided it was the worst picture that could ever be taken of me and the most humiliating thing that could ever happen to me. And that changed everything.
That picture taught me so much. Any bad photos taken of me after that day didn't matter. It would never compare to The One. Anything embarrassing wouldn't be as bad as that experience. Now that I know what the worst really is, I have nothing to fear. So when people take pictures of me mid sentence or when I’m not paying attention, I just appreciate the opportunity to see my face at a different angle. When embarrassing stuff happens, it doesn't bother me. Since that day I've honestly grown to treasure my embarrassing moments. I've learned to be able to laugh and just not care. I think its made me a warmer person, and definitely more accepting of myself. And more of a homosapien, too.
-C
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